Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
