Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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