I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
