Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?