I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you