I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
