...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
