alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize