Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
