God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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