Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
