Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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