you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
