I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
