I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
