carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
