The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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