On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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