He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
