The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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