I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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