I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
