textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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