I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
