Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you traded sex for a burrito?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
