she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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