I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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