I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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