They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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