In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
