We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
