I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
