he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
