proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
