Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
