Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
