walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
