he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
