Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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