she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
sex in a hospital.. check
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
