4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
