I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
