I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
