I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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