She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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