He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just cropdusted the office
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
