i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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