Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
