so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
