walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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