I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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