speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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