Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
